My third time doing stand up comedy was terrible

Well, this set is really painful for me to watch. It really felt like everything went against me this time around and I didn’t handle any of it well. Turns out stand up comedy is hard. Who knew?

First off, the show went on really really long. I was waiting for hours to get on. And guess what the performers got this second show? FREE DRINKS ALL NIGHT. Guess who hasn’t been drinking a lot lately and decided pounding down drinks wouldn’t affect my performance? That Guy. That’s actually a fairly common mistake I make tho.

So this second show the theme was to be a bit delusional about the success of my previous show. I think a lot of great humor is creating a sense of detachment from expectation and reality. I wanted to be the Kanye West of comedy up there. Except nobody really gives a fuck about me or my mixtape. Check.

I love how the first half started. I was feeling it. Even as plastered as I was. Jokes were landing. I had actually backed myself out of doing the shirt routine before the show. I thought it was a bit much. I was rehearsing with a couple friends and one of them was like “You MUST do the shirt move”. So, I did the shirt move. I’m glad I did it. I’ve lost a lot of weight since then, so fat jokes haven’t really felt appropriate to write. But damn do I love me some fat jokes.

The second half starts and that’s when I’m starting to feel the alcohol slowing me down. I should have just stopped there. THEY CLAPPED. WHY DIDN’T I JUST STOP AFTER THEY CLAPPED? Nah, fuck it lets drag this out another five minutes. Fuck my life. ZEBRAS live in the SAVANNAH - NOT the Sahara! At least the joke was about how dumb I am anyway. Maybe that added to the whole thing. Maybe. I had the right word written down and still managed to fuck it up. Fuck me.

Then the girl yelling for me to take my shoes off really fucked me up. I don’t have any stage experience. Like, at all. Being up there and having random people yell shit at you is god damn terrifying. Combined with being a walking wine bottle at the time I just didn’t know how to respond. It really really threw me off. You know what really pissed me off though? She came up to me after the show to tell me that I was her favorite comedian that night. Was it because I was funny, talented, or generally anything that I would want to hear? Nope. She loved that I was the least offensive. That offended the shit out of me.

It’s fine though. I can still end strong right? Wrong. Here’s something I learned not to do that night. Don’t change the end of my set before the show and assume I’ll be able to remember it. I don’t even remember what the punchline was supposed to be, but I thought it would have landed well. It probably would have sucked just as much if we’re being honest here. Fucking hell watching that again hurts.