Panic! at the train station. A not so funny day.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. So I didn’t make it to the show in Porto on the 16th. Damn it damn it damn it. Why didn’t I make it? I had a panic attack on the train and hopped off before it left the station. Now you might be thinking - oh no, things must be pretty bad! Nope. Quite the opposite. Things are great. Things have never been better. But you can have too many good things happen, and that’s pretty much where everything fell apart.

I’ve been especially busy lately. I work for a startup. If you’ve ever worked for a startup you know how stressful that can be. And the company I work for is doing incredibly well. I think like a hundred people have been hired in the past six months. We’re growing - fast. I was promoted to a senior position not too long ago which opens up new responsibilities, expectations, and challenges. And I want to meet all of them. That added some weight on me. I could feel myself burning out because of it all and took a couple extra days off in late May to try and recover. That should have been my first sign I need to chill and take better care of myself. Did I listen? Of course not. I’m fucking superman - I thought.

What did I end up doing instead? I kept working my ass off. I did more shows. Hosting my first comedy night. Doing two shows back to back for the first time. Traveled to Porto for my first show outside Lisbon. I helped with and acted in two short films. Never did that shit before. I was playing in competitive basketball tournaments almost every weekend while also playing multiple times per week and on top of working out at home. I have other youtube channels, blogs, and projects for myself that i’m constantly working on. I was also helping friends and family with all sorta of random shit.

I. Did. Not. Stop.

Everything I mentioned is stuff I love to do and I’m super fortunate to have had all those experiences and opportunities. It’s all taxing though. I wasn’t giving myself any time to rest mentally or physically. At this point I was so deep in it I didn’t even recognize how badly I needed to take a break from… everything. Even when I wasn’t preparing for shows I was loading up my plate faster than I could eat. Even going back to read my last blog post I can see how rushed it was written. Not that I’m a great writer, but I remember feeling so preassured as it was being written.

So the night of the 15th arrives and I’m supposed to leave for Porto. Gonçalo and I spoke and I told him how excited I am to come back up there and perform. Especially since I canceled going up there earlier this month because of a scheduling conflict. Which was my fault. I had too much shit happening at once and I wasn’t managing it well. I could feel I wasn’t right before I even got to the train station. I was hanging out with some friends and they noticed I was pacing a lot. I felt tense and I started thinking about the trip and being stuck on the train for three hours. I had a hard time focusing and even my vision felt a bit blurry. I wasn’t even nervous about the show. I don’t get nervous before shows anymore. For some reason the trip itself was making me anxious. I didn’t get that either because I love train rides. I prefer them over driving most of the time. I arrived at the station 30 minutes early and headed straight to the train. But as I was sitting there I just started to feel warmer and warmers. Then it became harder for me to breath. It was a pretty warm day and that certainly didn’t help. I started to feel trapped in the train car with this shortness of breath. The train is about to leave in 15 minutes and I feel like i’m fucking dying. And that made it even worse! Oh fuck I can either stay on this train that’s about to depart in 10 minutes and hope I calm the fuck down or this shit gets worse and I’m stuck on this train full of people for the next three hours wondering if i’m going to pass out. Then I started thinking about all the plans I had up there. I was supposed to go on Eduardo’s podcast, and then do the show in the evening. I can’t cancel all that shit. Oh god more preassure. OVERLOAD. OVERLOAD.

Fuck it. I can’t do this. I got off the train and headed back to where my friends were all hanging out. They were suprised to see me show up but they knew something was off anyway - so maybe it wasn’t that much of a surprise. I ended up staying at my friend Shireen’s place that night and we talked for hours about a lot of shit. She’s amazing. It took my mind off the whole situatuon. It was better than going home and being sad about the train incident. Oh - but I wasn’t done yet. See the show wasn’t until the night of the next day.. So I bought another fucking ticket to go pack to Porto in the morning. Cause I don’t need no rest and I’m gonna do this. I only slept like five hours that night. Idiot. At this point i’ve paid for a two night stay, and two train tickets. I ended up not using any of it. Getting ready in the morning I realized how badly i’ve burned myself out. My body hurts. I can’t focus. Most importantly i’m not having fun and yet I’m doing the things I love doing. shit shit shit. Time to take a break.

I messaged Gonçalo and Eduardo to tell them i’m not feeling well and I won’t make it. Their response was so motivating. Not an ounce of disappointment. They told me to relax and take care of myself and honsetly that’s what I need to do for a bit. I talked with work and i’ll be taking two weeks off starting Monday. I’m going to take it as easy as possible. I’m hosting a show with O Zebras on the 30th and I think i’ll be ready for that after 11 days of doing absolutely nothing.

The past couple of motnhs have been increadibly exciting. I’ve done so many things I thought I would only ever dream of doing. But i’m not superman. Not even in my dreams. I’m more of a spider-man kinda guy. He’s pretty funny. I need some time to rest. Take care of myself. Let my mind and body heal up a bit. Then I’ll get back into the flow. This post is probably written like shit as well but i’m not gonna bother proofing it. Chill mode activated.

Take care of yourself people.